Ben & Jerry: The Only Men Who Truly Love Me

My eyes are sore from the excessive crying, resembling something like a rabid dog. I am disgusted at my own disregard for personal hygiene. My diet of brownies and icecream is giving me stomach ulcers. Im tired of being tired. I didn't realize that being single was such a Rob Zombie movie.
But as I teeter on the verge of complete psychosis, I've compiled a list of ways I can nurse my heart and diet back to health:

1. Become really really really hot.
2. Flaunt my newfound hotness to the public.
3. Rebound relationship.
4. Possible lesbianism.
5. Sexual promiscuity.
6. Switch to Hagen Dazs Low-Fat Dulce de Leche.